The Revenge of Mr Bean
by Terra Alchemist
Summary: Mr.Bean, the TRUE cough cough story of Edward Elric. Brought to you, by the Flame Alchemist. Roy has a story to put Maes Mustang to sleep, and it's the story of the... bean. Mr.Bean.
1. The Revenge of Mr Bean

**The Revenge of Mr.Bean**

_Written by Roy Mustang_

THE TRUE STORY OF EDWARD ELRIC, THE BEAN

"Well Maes, it's time for bed."

Maes Mustang, Roy's five year old son, smirked at Roy and burned the seat of his pants before running screaming to his mother, Riza, that Daddy was trying to kill him. Roy grumbled as he swooped little Maes from off of the floor and carted him off to bed, promising not to hurt him _too _badly.

Maes whined at him. "Daddy... I want a story!"

"A story, eh? How about... the Flame Alchemist?"

"You already told me that one."

"Uhh... Al and the Wedding Cat Chorus?"

"That too."

"A Lieutenant and Her Dog?"

"Yep."

"Have I told you... the Revenge of Mr.Bean?"

"Ooh! No, no, you haven't told me!"

"Alright. It all starts when Mr.Bean blew off his arm and leg because of sheer stupidity. He raced down to a midget mechanic and asks for automail or they would all be cursed forever. They give him automail and he becomes so short that an ant would call him an ant, or as an unfortunate cockroach would say, "Ooh, look! I found a dime on the road! Or is it a bean?" But shortly after there would be the bloody and gory mess of what used to be the cockroach, because Mr.Bean was a violent killer who everyone would fear for the rest of their lives. Except me, of course.' "

"What next? What next?"

"Well, wanting to destroy the military forever, he kills Edward Elric who also has an automail leg and arm (you remember uncle Ed, don't you?) and takes over his body, and also kills Alphonse, Ed's brother (you have to remember Al), so Mr.Bean's brother could take over. They joined the military and Mr.Bean became a State Alchemist. Trying very hard to gain the military's trust, he saves the town of Lior but shortly comes back to destroy them all with an evil dummy of the prophet Cornello. He kills a random old man on the street with his automail arm, sucks his soul, and gains more power until he has more power than all of the military commands put together! But I, the Flame Alchemist, Roy Mustang, challenged this evil perpetrator and force him into battle. I snap my fingers, creating a gigantic spark, knocked the Fuhrer back a couple of feet and burnt Mr.Bean, but Mr.Bean uses the power of the Homunculi and regenerates..."

Roy Junior, Roy's first son, poked his head into the room and looked at them quizically. "Are you telling him the story of Mr.Bean?"

"Yeah."

"That's a good one, I just wanted to tell you that cousin Ed is coming over for the night."

"Did Fullmetal say it was alright?"

"Yes Dad, and I asked Mom too. And I promise we won't use any kind of alchemy that might damage the house, okay?"

"Alright, alright, let me get Maes to bed.

"Anyways. I quickly realize that he is somehow using the air around him to regenerate and I damage him again, leaving him badly singed and bleeding. Mr.Bean tries to regenerate again, but I use up all the air around him for my flames and he inhales smoke instead, damaging him further. He staggers towards me and tries to slit my throat with his automail, but I snap my fingers, 'Boom!', I melt his automail, and then again to melt his automail leg. Then, I take the three Philosopher's Stones out of his chest and realize that (I'm assuming) he's absorbed Lust, Gluttony, and Envy as well. He loses a tremendous amount of power, and I set Mommy's dog, Black Hayate loose on him, and with one lick, Mr.Bean falls over dead. Mr.Bean's soul then goes back into the real Mr.Bean, who was actually a grasshopper, and falls into the bloody mess of the dead cockroach that he killed... uh... a few days back. Mr.Bean dies and the soul of Edward Elric slips back into his REAL body and he awakes. I thought that at first, Mr.Bean hadn't had enough, but then an idea found it's way into my head and I asked, " 'Are you real, you little shor-' " " 'SONOFAGUN! DON'T CALL ME SMALL! I'LL BREAK DOWN YOUR FEET AND STICK'EMONYOURHEAD!' " cried the real Edward Elric, which was very easy to see, and I knocked him out and went to the Fuhrer. I asked for my reward and all he gave me was a book called, 'The Complete Idiot's Guide to Following Rules and Regulations'. I glanced at him, cursed, and went away.

"A few days later, I heard the souls of Lust, Envy, and Gluttony had returned to THEIR bodies, unfortunately. I shrugged my shoulders, tossed the paper away, and went back home where a tiny bean looked at me and punched me in the nose.

"It was a very bad day for this bean, for I recognized it was the revived Mr.Bean, who had somehow turned into a real bean, because I was VERY VERY hungry. You see, Mommy got mad at me for doing something she didn't like and refused to cook that day (or give me any smooching that night... -sigh-), and I picked it up and ate it. I was kind of expecting a nasty and bloody taste in my mouth, but it tasted like a full-course dinner. Sometimes I wonder if I should've kept him in the freezer instead...

"News came that other people who had been killed by Mr.Bean had come back to life, thank God, because Mommy's dog died from licking evil Mr.Bean. I don't know why, he tasted good to me...Breda, Fuery, and unfortunately, your uncle Havoc came back to life as well. If Mommy's dog was still dead... well... let's just say I wouldn't have been around long enough to be your daddy, and I would've met little Black Hayate in the afterlife soon anyway." He petted Black Hayate who was sleeping next to Maes.

"It was a good day for me, relaxing in front of the warm fire, the fuel provided by the Fuhrer's book, still digesting the bean, and your mom forgave me too. And that's my story, well, Mr.Bean's story.

"And from this day on, you'll address your uncle Ed as 'Mr.Bean', okay? That's what everyone calls him now. Good night Maes." He bent down and kissed Maes's forhead, clicked off the light, and went to stop Roy Junior and little Ed from massacering each other with alchemy.

* * *

Woohoo, new story for all of my fans. This is the craziest story I've ever read, and I cannot take full credit for it. This was actually written by my ten year old brother and he requested that it be posted on FFNet. You should've seen the original though, it definitely needed a LOT of tweaking to be made into what it is now. This actually has a sequel... so... another one should be followed up to this. The next one is called... 'The Horror of Mr.Bean's Brother'. Enjoy.

-T A


	2. The Horror of Mr Bean's Brother

**The Horror of Mr.Bean's Brother**

_Written by Roy Mustang_

THE TRUE STORY OF EDWARD ELRIC, THE BEAN

"Well, I've saved the world from the evil menace called 'Mr.Bean', who was terrorizing everyone in East, West, North, South, and Central. I guess everyone but me, of course, was afraid. But, nowadays, I feel like throwing up, which I never do in my whole life. That would destroy my greatness and would make me a sissy Flame Alchemist.

It was one of those days where I actually felt like going to work, blowing up my ink pen (which isn't a good idea, by the way),sabotaging all my paperwork, and then leaving. Riza restrained me from doing so by taping me to my chair with duct tape, but I burned and melted the tape off anyway (which also isn't a good idea). A ringing sound came from my phone: Someone was calling. I picked it up and asked Fuery who was on the line and he said I would find out when I recieved the message, so I sighed, cleaned ink off my face from my blown up pen, and took the message. Fuery said it was 931-7432 East HQ, which meant that somebody from work wanted me. I dropped the phone back into it's reciever instead of taking the message. I was tired. Then I suddenly wondered if whoever calling me was female, and I hoped to God it wasn't because thenyour mommywould kill me for sure, and just thinking about the horrible gruesome death that awaited me made me leap out of my chair and slam my face into the floor. By this time,Mommy had already come back in and tied me up with more duct tape, so I hopped over to my desk and somehow managed to pick up the phone with my foot. That was a tricky business, I assure you, Maes."

"So what happened next?" Maes asked as Leroy and Ed Junior tumbled past the room kicking and screaming. Roy snapped his fingers and the hallway erupted in an explosion of flames and yelps of pain.

"Well, I said 'Hello?', holding the phone near my ear. I decided it would be best if I turned on my speakerphone, so I did, and I could rest on the floor peacefully. 'Yo, what's up Roy? It's me, Havoc!' Havoc said over the phone line. 'Oh, hi Havoc. What did you call me for again?' I asked. Havoc paused for a moment, then said 'Did you hear? I'm getting promoted to a Brig. General! I'm so happy...' Havoc said. 'What? Oh, I mean, that's great for you, Havoc, but you'll never become Fuhrer like the lazy bum that you are.' Havoc coughed and then said 'Whoops, gotta go, see ya! Got Brigadier General work to do!'

'You know," I said, 'you have harder work than I do, I'll just warn you of that!' I said, standing on my two feet, free of duct tape at last. Havoc hung up before I could tell him that the fuhrer was a homunculi, but then, I figured he didn't have to know. He wouldn't be able to kill him anyway. I stood up and got a glass of water, put on my uniform, and headed for the door, but a tiny bean looking thing was looking at me. I looked at it and it socked me in the toe, almost breaking it, then leaped to my face and somehow knocked me unconscious..."

"Are you telling bogus stories about my dad again, Uncle Roy?" Ed Junior asked from the doorway, singed and burnt. He didn't get to hear an answer because Leroy leaped at him and they rolled, hissing and snarling, down the steps. All seven flights of them.

"Anyways, I woke up a while later to the horrible stench of rotting garbage and dead bodies!" Maes shivered in the sheets and pulled them closer to his chin, and Roy leaned closer to him. "And I opened my eyes and I see a big ugly shadow on the wall, with teeth as long as my arm dripping with something that looked like blood, and massive horns sprouted from it everywhere! And there were spines all over it, with little pieces of _meat _stuck in them! And it came closer and closer and _closer _and then it went 'RAAAAAAAAR!'" Roy grabbed little Maes and Maes squeaked as Roy tickled him. Maes got over his initial fear and Roy put his forehead against Maes's.

"And you know what it turned out to be, Maes?"

"A big scary monster?" Maes asked, giggling as the stubble on Roy's cheeks scratched against him.

"No... it was worse than that... much worse... it was... a BEAN!" Roy cried in mock horror. "A bean with a chainsaw! But I wasn't afraid, because I'm the Flame Alchemist and I have a reputation to keep. The bean glares at me. I try to get up but I feel something cold locked down on my arms, a Fist-Locking-Thingamabob (at least, that's what was engraved in it). I looked at the bean again and it revved the old rusted chainsaw and said in a bellowing voice, 'HOW DARE YOU KILL MY BROTHER! YOU SHALL DIE FOR YOUR BAD MANNERS, YOU BAD MAN!"

" 'Brother?' I ask, 'Oh, you mean Mr.Bean. My God, he's your brother?' I exclaimed. I snapped my fingers but nothing came out of my gloves. They weren't on, that was the problem." Maes giggled again and put his arms around his neck. "So what happened then?"

" The chain saw came nearer and nearer to me, but the stupid bean left me my _other _pair of gloves, which was a miracle, and I managed to spill them out of my pocket and rub them together, creating sparks. I melted the Fist-Locker and the bean's jaws unlocked, and he screeched, 'What the heck? How in the world are you doing that?' And I say-"

"I'm theFlame Alchemist! The best alchemist in the world," Maes sang, and Roy grinned.

"Well, maybe not the best in the world... but anyway. I smirked at him and said, 'I'm the Flame Alchemist! Now die for your insolence, YOU RABID BEING FROM URANUS!' and the bean stares at me and says 'I come from there? But, that means-' the bean starts, but I finish, 'No no, the freakin' planet Uranus.'

"And he says 'Oh, okay then... I've always been wondering,' the bean said, pulling a smile on his face. But then, the smile turned into an angry face!" Roy grabbed Maes's cheeks and Maes squealed again. "And the chain saw went towards me! I snapped my fingers, melted the chainsaw, and transmuted a bottle from a decomposed skeleton (that smelled really bad)to capture the bean.

As I walked towards the ladder, my new prize in tow, I suddenly realize that I was in North City's sewers, and I wondered how in the world this little dumb bean could carry me all the way from East to North. There was a taxi waiting and the guy said, 'Hey, you're back! I thought the little green guy wanted you to stay...' and he scratches his head, and I say, 'Don't strain your brain, Einstein; he had other plans. He invited the wrong alchemist to spend the night.' I paid the taxi toll and I was headed back for East City. The end," Roy concluded, and Maes clapped.

"I liked the story Daddy."

"You did? Good. Maybe one day when you're all grown up you can have fun adventures like me. But for right now... I'd better go pull your brother and your cousin apart." Roy snapped his fingers and the hallway exploded with flame, sparks, and yelpsagain.

* * *

Yay, another heavily medicated chapter to the 'Mr.Bean' Series. Sorry this one took so long. Just for reference, the next chapter will be called 'The Skeleton of Mr.Bean'. 

-T A


End file.
